Dear Monica Lewinsky,

You’re a douche.

I want that to sink in for a moment.

So I hear you’re going to be in the latest edition of Vanity Fair doing a “tell all” to promote your book. I’ve read and watched the excerpts, which paint you as a victim of the scandal and what not.  I have no doubt you were victimized and cast out in front of the media. I’ve seen enough “House of Cards” to understand a lot of shady back door stuff happens and frankly… I am surprised they haven’t whacked you already. Wait, my bad. That’s the Sopranos.

But it all doesn’t add up! You say all you’ve ever wanted is to distance yourself from the Clintons yet you have a book coming out 16 years after the scandal.  This means you get a brand new 15 minutes of fame again! Interviews, book signings, a tour and all of which will last months! Yay! I think mission “Starting Over” is a success! I’m being extremely fucking sarcastic here…

If Kim Kardashian made a sextape and isn’t defined by it anymore, what stopped you from bouncing back?  Paris Hilton blew a guy and is now a DJ touring the world! Yeezus Christ woman! Being in the media gives you an opportunity to rebuild your image! Times have changed and you may out of touch with technology, but my advice is to hire some Social Media pundits and get on Twitter and Instagram to rebuild your image! Good lord!

Now I’m no fan of politics but is it a coincidence that your timing matches up with the upcoming primaries in which your nemesis Hilary Clinton will be running? This leads me to believe a bigger game is afoot Watson! You couldn’t possibly be so vindictive to have waited this long to ruin her chances of being the first female president.  No. That would make you a major douche! Lets get back to ‘House of Cards’ for a moment! If Kevin Spacey can systematically plot and maneuver himself to take over the Presidency then would it be so far fetched to believe that the Republican party have paid Lewinsky a small fortune to help leverage this to their advantage? Ahh now that makes sense!

This is ultimately a bad episode of Maury where two women are going to go at it. It’s a shame you are choosing to cash out at the expense of Hilary Clinton. I’m no Clinton groupie but I acknowledge she’s spent a lot of time not only in the White House but politics in general, and has amassed a wide library of know how and wisdom. I honestly can’t think of a better first female President than her. What are our options anyway? Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman? Yikes!

Ms. Lewsinky… If you wanted to have your story told, you should have done it during a window of time when people would have cared. I’d say 3-7 years after the scandal? But now… this is a calculated move for money and most likely power and frankly it makes you a douchebag of the highest caliber.